For years he was my best friend.  I didn’t make friends easily and was frequently bullied at school. Tiger helped soothe the pain. When I was 16 he was 12 and very old for a cat in those days. The day came when his health had deteriorated to the extent that my parents decided to have him put down.

I was devastated. Not only was this my best friend but I’d never experienced loss through death before. All my grandparents were gone long before I was born so this was a new and terrible experience for me; made worse because the soul I was used to confiding hurt to was the one that wasn’t there anymore. Reactions at school were pretty much as I expected. “oh that’s a shame – are you getting another one?”

This idea that when we lose something unique and valuable the immediate solution should be to replace it is one of the most harmful notions surrounding loss in our society. Yet this reaction is not confined to loss of a pet. How many times have you heard “oh well plenty more fish in the sea” when telling someone about a relationship breakup? Young widows will often be told “ah you’re young you can remarry”.  For the receiver of this “wisdom “ the reaction is one of hurt and anger not relief.  Most of us have been on the receiving end of this thoughtless cliché in one form or another but somehow, even though the concept is hurtful, it perpetuates.

Animals are unique individuals that love us almost unconditionally. As long as we look after their basic needs of food, water and shelter they’ll give unquestioning love in return – for longer than many human relationships last! They don’t criticise us or nag or have a raised eyebrow when we wear that old comfy jumper. A relationship with a pet can be the most important in someone’s life yet even in this so called nation of animal lovers when that pet dies and we’re bereft we get scant or no support.

Feeling lonely and missing the presence of the beloved pet many people rush out to replace the loss only to find they don’t love the new animal in the same way. Then they feel guilty for not loving the new pet. But of course it is impossible to replace a unique relationship – even if the new furry creature is physically identical – it has its own individuality and deserves to be loved in its own right.

By acknowledging the loss of a companion and allowing ourselves to grieve and say goodbye to them we can free ourselves to love again. What I love about the Grief Recovery Method is that it teaches  us not to discriminate by type of loss. Pain is pain. It is felt at 100% intensity at the time of the pain.  By following the actions described in the Grief Recovery Handbook I’ve not only completed the losses in my human relationships but my animal ones too, allowing me to open my heart and let Barney in.

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W James and Russell Friedman can be brought online or found in many libraries. It is not in bookshops in the UK yet. Carole Batchelor is the director of Grief Recovery (UK) and can be contacted on 01234 862218. carole@grief-recovery.co.uk

Seeing my quizzical look she explained – you know that expression “when life gives you lemons make lemonade” Well you always seem to be able to find the positive in any situation.  That set me thinking.

Many of us have piles of lemons life has thrown at us but lemonade isn’t just made of lemon. You also need water & sugar. Even then you don’t have lemonade, you have a pile of ingredients. In order to get lemonade you need to take actions – juicing the lemons, dissolving the sugar in water, combining it all in a jug and refrigerating.  Simple enough actions but actions none the less.

What about those lemons that life threw at us years ago, that we decided to try to ignore. We put them in a cupboard in our minds where they’ve been getting mouldier and more rancid every day. It would be impossible to make lemonade from these so what to do? Clearly the only thing to do is get rid of them! Clean out our internal store cupboard, so that it no longer harbours rotten lemons that are slowly poisoning our entire life.

The Grief Recovery Method taught me that it is possible to clean house even in a blizzard of in-coming lemons. Dealing with the unresolved grief in my heart allowed me to once again fully participate in life, rather than drift along merely existing.  Grief Recovery means taking the correct actions, rather than waiting passively for time to pass. As we’ve already mentioned time alone results in mould not refreshment. Life still throws me lemons. Sometimes they come in thick and fast but now I’ve learned the actions I need to take and I can cope.

The Grief Recovery actions can be learned by reading the Grief Recovery handbook available from this site or from your local library. But remember, reading the method may wake up your taste buds but actually completing the actions in the recipe gets you the refreshment you need.

Carole Batchelor is a Grief Recovery Specialist and Director of Grief Recovery (UK). She can be reached on 01234 862218 or carole@grief-recovery.co.uk

Many people will noticing a person shaped hole in their heart many years after the loss.

Equally whether or not you celebrate Christmas the fear of any approaching Celebration can be equally stressful. So what can you do?

Firstly it’s a good idea to have a plan. Putting your head down and hoping to wake up in mid January sadly isn’t going to work. If you have children then include them in making the plans. Be honest when talking to them – express how sad you are that Mum/Dad/Grandma/Uncle won’t be there and that it’s going to be very different. Ask them what they want to do to acknowledge how much they miss them and also what they want to keep or change about your family traditions. If there is something that is very special to you that you want to do or not do explain this too. Your feelings are equally important as theirs.

It is essential that you are honest with them. We teach our children to always tell the truth so when we attempt to cover up our feelings and put a brave face on our body language gives us away and they get confused. Even small children can sense when they are being deceived. However, you need to be cautious. Being honest doesn’t mean that you should turn your children into your carer or surrogate spouse. So even though you can be honest, you need to gently discourage them from taking care of you. Yes, it’s a little subtle to do both, but you’ll be able to know how to do that.

It’s also a good idea to have a plan b or escape route. If you suddenly find you don’t want to be somewhere then being unable to leave because you’ve had a drink or are otherwise trapped can make a bad feeling so much worse. If you’re spending time with extended family make sure that you explain that you might need to escape to a spare room every now and again without worrying about being interrogated about where you’ve been.

Avoid spending too much time alone, as grievers we tend to isolate because we quickly learn that most people aren’t “safe” to talk to. They try to fix us or make inane remarks that might be intellectually true but are emotionally useless. In the early days of being widowed I had a little mantra in my head which went “hear the intent not the content” which I’m sure meant quite a few people went unharmed that otherwise would’ve been slapped!

Isolation impedes recovery. We need others around us to share our thoughts and feelings with and yes to share new experiences that can become new happy memories.

The plot centred on a troubled spirit that was out to enact revenge on Arthur for leading the raid that killed him and his family. Instead of trying to battle it, Arthur set out to explain his actions and apologised with sincerity. The spirit listened carefully but remained in possession of one of Arthurs knights until he said “I forgive you”. He was then able to leave peacefully and move on to the next world. It was uttering the forgiveness that set him free – not hearing the apology for the wrongs.

The definition of forgiveness in the dictionary is to “cease to feel resentment against.”  However, I prefer the version used in the Grief Recovery Handbook “forgiveness is giving up hope of a different or better yesterday”.

Neither of those definitions suggests condoning an offence yet most people mix these two concepts together. If someone has done something that hurts you and then disappears from your life either by going away or by dying then you are left with the hurt. Barring miracles you will never hear an apology from a dead person, most living people aren’t going to apologise either leaving you in torment a bit like that fictional spirit I mentioned earlier.

Russell Friedman, co-author of the Grief Recovery Handbook often is heard to say “forgiveness is like sobriety, you can’t feel it until you do it”.

As the person carrying around the pain, refusing to forgive simply means you get to keep the pain. The offender lives life oblivious. We would never suggest you forgive someone to their face. Chances are it’ll be received as an attack and cause new problems, of course in the case of someone who died it’s impossible to deliver face to face forgiveness.  However, forgiving that person out loud to another human being has the desired effect of setting you free from the hurt.

If you want to find out how to go about this & more about this concept then I recommend reading the Grief Recovery handbook, taking the actions described on your own or with help from a Grief Recovery Specialist will help you set your spirit free.

“Do we ever really “recover”? It is almost four years since I lost my husband to liver disease. The holidays are still difficult to bear. He would have just had a birthday on which I did not have a good day. I can’t celebrate my birthday anymore as he died on this day. Don’t we just deal with it more so than recover from it?”

Our Reply:

Many people question the idea of recovery from loss because they never forget the person who died—which makes sense, because unless you get Alzheimer’s, you’re never going to forget someone who was important to you.

Most importantly, you would never want to forget your husband, and in so-doing lose the fond memories of your life together.

The key to recovery is to discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished at the time of the death. When someone important to us dies, we discover things that we wish had happened differently, better, or more; and that we are left with unfulfilled hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

You said, it has been almost four years since your husband died. One of the biggest myths in the world is that “Time Heals All Wounds.” We always remind people that time can’t heal an emotional wound anymore than time can fix a flat tyre. It takes actions to fix a flat tyre, and it takes actions to deal with a broken heart.

And yes, the major holidays, as well as birthdays, can become fearful, sad, and painful reminders that he is no longer here.

We’ve known of so many people who’ve tried “just dealing with it:” They just try to bypass and bury the pain, but that doesn’t work.

We can guess that your relationship with your husband was huge and life-affirming for you, and his absence is incredibly difficult. How would you be able to “just deal with it?” That wouldn’t make sense.

Like the flat tyre analogy, you must take actions to repair the tyre, and you must take actions to deal with your grief. Go to the library or online and get The Grief Recovery Handbook. It will guide you through the actions to become emotionally complete, which will allow you to have fond memories not turn painful, and to be able to participate in holidays, have emotions on birthdays, etc, without pain. You may have normal and natural sadness and miss him on those days—as you do on other days—but the pain will go away.

More articles (and the book) can be found at www.grief-recovery.co.uk

Carole can be contacted by email carole@grief-recovery.co.uk or on 01234 862218

Then by chance I came across the Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman and suddenly here was someone talking sense!

John and Russell have been helping grieving people for the past 33 years. They describe 6 myths that surround grief and shroud the possibility of recovery from loss:

“The myth that time can heal an emotional wound is possibly the most persistent and dangerous of the incorrect ideas that keep grievers stuck in pain.

Our favourite image to demonstrate the foolhardiness of time healing an emotional wound is to ask people to imagine that they arrive in the car park to discover their car has a flat tyre. We then ask, “Would you pull up a chair, sit down, and wait for time to fix the flat tyre?”

The fact is that if we came back 100 years later, there your skeleton would be with whatever clothes you’d been wearing, and that tyre would STILL be flat.

Time cannot and will not fix the flat tyre. It takes actions to fix the flat. For most of us that action is to call the AA and ask them to send someone over to fix it. The hardier souls amongst us might root around in the boot, find the little doughnut-sized spare, locate the jack and other tools, and hoist the car off the ground and change it themselves.

Either way, an action will have to be taken to get the car back on the road.

The parallel is this: An emotionally broken heart is amazingly like a flat tyre. The get-up and go has got-up and gone. Energy is drained, exhausting the griever. The ability to participate fully in life is limited. And time can’t and won’t fix that broken heart any more than time can fix a flat tyre.

It takes actions to discover and complete what is left emotionally incomplete as the result of the death of someone important to you or any other loss event that produces feelings of grief.”

To discover the other 5 myths and the actions you need to take to recover then get yourself a copy of the Grief Recovery Handbook –I did and it changed my life! More articles (and the book) can be found at www.grief-recovery.co.uk

Carole can be contacted by email carole@grief-recovery.co.uk or on 01234 862218